Fostering Friendships

“You’re the only one that really knows me here.”

At this point, she had already been attending our church for nearly two years. She even followed through by participating in a Sunday morning small group that met weekly.  

“I don’t usually share my story with everyone I meet; but, you’re really the only one that’s ever even asked anything about me. People have said ‘hi,’ they’ve smiled, told me it was nice to see me. But that’s where it has stopped.” 

I felt personally touched by her honesty but remained inwardly broken for her lack of genuine community.

Broken because I knew she hadn’t entirely sat on the fence waiting for “community” to walk up to her front porch. She longed for community, so she joined the church’s small group and attended regularly. After all, isn’t this what you’re supposed to do when you’re looking for your people? Not only that, she participated in the occasional get-togethers, potlucks, baby showers, and church programs. But, none of this really seemed to meet her richer need for friendship.

She just didn’t feel like anyone really knew her. It was that prevailing awareness of not being known by those within proximity that hampered her greater sense of belonging. 

Truth is, scenarios like my friend’s above aren’t all that rare. As I interact with the people around me, I often hear stories of relational insecurity. Frankly, it’s common in my conversations to hear people say that they have many acquaintances but don’t feel that they really have all that many friends… if any. It’s sad but true.  When someone shares their need for friendship with me, I often think back to the person who mentioned it to me prior. I find myself strategizing ways to get the two connected. If only Person A knew that Person B had a similar need, maybe both their needs could be met!

To be vulnerable, I’ve personally walked through a season like this and don’t remember being thrilled about it. I showed up, thought I was being friendly, but didn’t really feel like anyone reciprocated the sentiment. I can truthfully say that God decided to use that season as an opportunity to mature me and point out a few things that I personally needed to work on.

It all started with a heart change…
I waited. I waited for someone else to take notice, for someone else to play host and welcome me into the circle. I had thought I was being polite. After all, who wants to pioneer a way in… shouldn’t you be invited?  Maybe, but it doesn’t always work that way.

Underneath all of that hanging back, waiting, and longing for someone to take notice wasn’t just politeness. To my dismay, I discovered veins of selfishness and insecurity that were being fed by my own unique expectations regarding proper friendship protocol. 

“Why don’t people ask anything about me, my family, or my job?”
“Why doesn’t someone ask me over for coffee?”
“Why has no one invited my family for dinner?”
“Why do people offer me surface greetings instead of pausing to invest in a conversation?”

God chose to interrupt my self-absorption when He simply asked, “Why don’t you do for someone else what you hope someone would do for you?”

It was through this journey of careful pruning and necessary heart change that I learned healthier ways to foster friendship.

Step Out and Initiate
Churches, schools, workplaces, and neighborhood meetups provide great launching pads for igniting friendships. But, let’s be clear.  Neither a formalized institution nor its’ programming can generate friendships on your behalf. While actively participating in these structures can create unique opportunities to do life alongside someone else and open up avenues to friendship, joining these institutions doesn’t in and of itself guarantee richer bonds with the people around you. 

You have to be willing to step out and initiate.  You see, healthy friendships develop out of the understanding that each of us ought to love others as we love ourselves. This mindset produces a willingness to extend an offer to someone that you’d likely enjoy receiving yourself. 

So, be the first person to walk up to someone else, start the conversation, send the first text, invite that person to coffee, host dinner, throw a spontaneous game night, go shopping together, take a walk, whatever… chances are the other person will be glad that you initiated because they were probably hoping for the something similar all along.

Reject Personal Insecurity
Insecurity disguises itself as a defense mechanism from a variety of fears. But this pseudo defense mechanism wreaks havoc by preventing us from taking necessary steps forward in friendship. How so?

Insecurity reminds us that we fear rejection, awkwardness, misunderstandings, disappointment, missing out, failure, peoples’ opinions of us, and all the other unknowns. In turn, these fears work against us to develop a myriad of potentially unpleasant scenarios that threaten our sense of safety. Scenarios like conversations becoming unbearably awkward, no one reciprocating our offers of friendship, not being accepted, being overlooked or forgotten, not receiving a text back, embarrassing ourselves, and the list goes on.

When insecurity pipes in with its warning, you can do one of two things. Either you can choose to self-protect OR you can recognize the potential risks and courageously allow yourself to step out and be vulnerable. 

Pause and Take Notice
Offers of friendship can be easily overlooked. This could be due to a myriad of personal factors: busy lifestyles, cluttered minds, tendency to notice only those similar to ourselves, or something else altogether. For me personally, I can hyperfocus on what I’m doing at any given time. It’s not a bad thing – it’s just the way I’m wired. Through hyperfocus, I’m able to remain on task and stay focused on the things I truly do need to get done in a given day. But, when I don’t remind myself to pause and notice the people right alongside of me, I miss out on their attempts to connect with me. 

Unless you live stranded in a remote mountain cabin, you likely rub shoulders with people most days of the week. While you can and should pursue meaningful connections with people, don’t forget to pause and receive another’s attempt to befriend you. It might not come in the form or person you’d expected but taking the time to receive friendship in the way others can offer helps all parties flourish. 

Listen, Listen, Listen.
People long to be known. Remember my friend’s story I shared… the one who felt that I was the only one who really knew her? I really hadn’t done anything all that impressive to connect with her. She is a good ten years my senior with the life experience to match, but we ultimately connected because we had the opportunity to hear one another’s stories. 

Of course, people don’t open up and share their stories with us right off the bat… usually. And, chances are, we don’t open up and share much beyond the surface with people we just meet. We start by answering the small questions like where we are from, what we do/have done for work, and the hobbies we enjoy. Then, we deepen conversation by sharing about the relationships that are important to us, what we are passionate about, and important lessons we’ve learned. Further on, we begin sharing our ambitions, fears, and deeper needs. 

If you aren’t sure what questions to ask in conversation, just think about what you’d like someone to ask you. What’s something you’d like to talk about? Go ahead and ask it of someone else, then, listen as the individual begins to share his or her world with you.

Quality Friendships Take Time
Friendships worth their salt can’t be harvested overnight. So, if you’re surfing the crowds searching for that one person with whom you seamlessly click, you might find yourself searching for a while. In fact, you may find it more beneficial to slow down and shift your attention to just two or three people you bump into regularly.

Quality friendships emerge through shared experiences, multiple conversations, and intentional investment. This can feel discouraging when you’re in a season where all your friendships are starting from scratch (walking into a new church, starting a new job/school, or settling into a new community after a major move), but the rewards of faithfully working to build trust with a circle of people are worth every bit of time and effort.
When we approach time as a necessary ingredient, it becomes easier to move beyond momentary disappointments. Instead of halting our efforts when we don’t immediately click, we try again…persevering tenderly as we patiently wait for friendship to grow. 

Fostering friendships with the people around us holds great importance because all people have immense value. We matter. You matter. I matter. Slowing down to demonstrate our individual worth to each other creates a space where each of us feels at home and gains a greater sense of belonging. 

So… What about You?
Have you found any of these lessons to be at work in your own life? What are some additional lessons that you’ve learned about fostering friendship? I’d love to hear from you! Drop a comment below to add to the discussion or share this post with your friends.