“Boys Will Be Boys” and Other Lies

“He apparently has an issue, what he considers a sex addiction…it’s a temptation for him he wanted to eliminate.” Capt. Jay Baker, USA TODAY

When I was fifteen years old, I took my first job as a waitress at a family-owned Italian restaurant. I enjoyed working long hours over my Summer vacation and worked many nights and weekends during the school year throughout my high school career. It was a busy restaurant, and I spent nearly every moment on my feet.

One night a man came into the restaurant with his wife and teenage son. He was a regular, and I recognized him. His wife never seemed happy, and something about the way he carried himself struck me as obnoxious and made me feel uncomfortable. I never wanted to wait on his table but that night I did. As I served the food, the man naturally casually reached his hand and grabbed my backside. He left his hand resting upon it as if this were entirely acceptable.

My young teenage self was angry and felt violated. How is it that this man felt so comfortable doing this to me? I did not deserve this treatment that was so clearly wrong. Here I was just working in public at a family-owned restaurant, and here he was sitting alongside his wife and son.

But I said nothing. I did not scold him, nor did I jerk. While otherwise frozen, I raised my eyes to look at his wife and noticed her downcast face – she was completely and utterly humiliated. I left the table and returned to the kitchen where I complained to the head waitress.

“Would you believe what this man did to me?” I said. “Well, what did you do?” she responded. “Didn’t you yell at him? Didn’t you hit him?! If it would have been me, I would have smacked him across the face, Anna.”

Her questions and fierce self-confidence made me cringe and feel embarrassed. How could I have been so weak? Why did I not defend myself? Why did I not look him square in the face and issue him a firm “No”?  I wondered.

When I look back at this situation now, I no longer wonder why I failed to defend myself because I know. I know why I remained silent. Moreover, I know why I never even thought to go home that night and tell my parents about that man’s infraction. I know why I simply moved on, let go, and “forgave” him despite him never apologizing.

Why I Didn’t Defend Myself

While appalled and indignant, I shrugged the shoulders of my heart and brushed off that man’s behavior under the guise of normalcy. Society taught me that men objectify women as standard practice. At an innate level, I had been primed through television shows, commercials, magazine racks, and fashion trends to expect that moment. While not accepting his behavior as right and good, I accepted his behavior under the assumption that “boys will be boys” and I need not feel surprised when they act as such.

Secular society primed me not to defend myself, but it ought not receive sole blame. Worldviews take shape in much smaller pockets – local communities, neighborhoods, businesses, churches, and families.

My Generation of Christian Women

Conservative Christian circles have tried to combat the objectification of women through a variety of means. They have championed purity, modesty, dating guidelines, and numerous rules to govern male/female interactions. My generation of Christian women were raised on purity culture. We were taught things like “kiss dating goodbye” and pornography is “every man’s battle.” We were told to dress appropriately so that we would not “cause a man to stumble.”

My generation of Christian women sat through numerous youth events, conferences, sermons, and conversations warning against moral failure and pornography addiction. We were primed to think that the boys and men we sat alongside struggled through no fault of their own. They simply could not help themselves, so we were led to believe that it was our job to “eliminate the temptation.”

As we grew older, we sat under misinformed teaching on matters of female roles, identity, submission, forgiveness, and sex. Some of us even received evil unhealthy premarital counseling that told us to “stay fit and attractive.” We were warned to “please our husbands” so that they would not “have to give in” to their temptations.

Those teachings were evil, dangerous, and spiritually abusive. Yet, they continue to hold women captive, reminding them that “boys will be boys” and they need not be surprised when they act as such.

My Sisters

Over the past years of church ministry, I have sat across the table from women who have chosen to trust me with their pain. I cannot share their stories, as they are not mine to tell. But I’ve seen over and over how Christian women have been conditioned for manipulation, pain, and abuse. Their stories have led me to sleepless nights and numerous tears. But truthfully, I’m only learning to walk alongside of them.

I touch on their pain only to voice that these women are not merely “out there” in the great big world of ambiguity. These women really aren’t few and far between. These women sit in our churches, our businesses, and our schools. They are your wives, your sisters, your daughters, and your friends. They are my sisters whom Jesus loves deeply.

Oh, that we would listen to their stories, validate their pain, and embolden them through corrected teaching and rich theology. Oh, that we would look in their eyes, see their worth, lay blame on their oppressors, and free them to press forward. Oh, that we would flip the script.

We Need to Get Loud

Perhaps you have read through this article and felt my pain or perhaps you have read through my depiction of conservative Christian circles and have felt attacked. Perhaps you bought into some of that teaching at some point in your life but have changed. You neither tolerate nor perpetuate such teaching anymore in your homes or churches. If that is you, I do not want you to feel attacked.

But I am pleading with you to take responsibility and whole-heartedly commit to the unteaching of bad theology surrounding women. As your sister in Christ, I’m letting you know that silence can never correct misteaching.

Perhaps you are a reader on the other side of my screen who can honestly claim that you have never embraced or taught those weird purity rules I alluded to above. You strive in your teaching to defend and empower the women in your communities. If that is you, I do not want you to feel attacked. There are many men and women in my life who are working hard to flip the script and support women, and I appreciate them. My own husband treats me as his equal, champions my ambitions, and has been a voice in unteaching. I am blessed.

But I am pleading with you to whole-heartedly commit to the unteaching of bad theology surrounding women. You may not be to blame, but your silence will not lift the hurt or unteach the messages my generation of women have received about their own sexuality whether from the culture or the church at large.

We need to get loud in our unteaching of bad theology about women regarding their sexuality, identity, roles, and worth. Let’s unteach not just through words but through actions. May we honor women for their humanity, affirm their equality, and uplift them sincerely.

Just Another One of My Stories

It was another busy night in the restaurant, so I scurried back to the kitchen. I passed the delivery guy waiting for his next order to come up, and he said something to me (or about me?) as I walked by him. I missed what he said. All I knew is that it was something perverted, so I shrugged the shoulders of my heart and kept busy with my work.

However, my boss heard him and knew exactly what he said. He flew around the corner, slammed down the pizza he was making, and loudly reprimanded the delivery driver. “No one is allowed to talk to Anna like that” he said. When I later thanked him for saying something, he refused to tell me what the delivery driver said but told me that he would be my big brother and stick up for me. As far as I can recall, I never worked with that delivery driver again and presume he either quit or was fired.

My boss got loud for me and in so doing he helped me learn that I did not need to shrug the shoulders of my heart any longer. You see, when we get loud in valuing women, we lift their voices from the recesses of their own hearts.

A Note for My Sisters

Sisters, you are not a temptation to be eliminated. You are not to blame for the manipulation, objectification, hurt, and abuse you have received. The fault rests on those who have misguided, belittled, humiliated, and abused you. You are the victims, not the cause.

I am cheering for you and praying that your voices will be heard.

Featured Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay